Water vs. Beer

WATER

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

BEER

We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

 

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK BEER

It is better to drink beer and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

 

 

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.  She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. 

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"  The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.  "What's the matter Doctor?.... *blink - blink* .. I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Well.. Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out!

 

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,” What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,” Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

 

 

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.  Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.  A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.  An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles.

The doctor asked, Where?  Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

 

 

FEMALE COMPASSION... Female reality!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear

"Have you  ever been f****d?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No.”

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

 

 

 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.  Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Can't figure it out?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

 

 

 

Two men were driving through Indiana when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Indiana, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Indiana, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say..... 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!' “

 

 

 

The Mole ?Family
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles? are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... MOLASSES!

 

 

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:

"Red...........cherry,"

"Yellow........lemon,"

"Green.........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.  After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.  Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother

may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

 

 

 

Technology tip of the day:

A British electronics company is developing computer chips that will store music in women's breast implants.  This is considered a major breakthrough, intended in part to offset women's long-standing complaints that men are always staring at their breasts and not listening to them. 

 

 

 

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."

 

 

 

Naughty, Naughty

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

 

 

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such.  But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Sam!!  "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury"

 

 

 

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

 

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

 

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 911?

Wonder why this street is so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing.... I need to debate this with some friends for few days, and try to come to some sort of consensus.

 

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You AIN'T taking that to the Taxidermist

 

 

 

I normally do not give out retirement advice, but with this investment opportunity, I thought I would make an exception.

Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.00  With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.  With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer three years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $614.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavilyand recycle.  It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

 

 

 

The Secret of the Spot

FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.  When one of these beautiful women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the southern United States.

Just thought you would like to know.

 

 

 

Florida Deputy vs New York Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.  He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Florida.  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Florida deputy's expense!!

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

 

 

 

This was written by a black guy in Texas.. .....so funny.....what a great sense of humor!


When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks......
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored??

 

 

 

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

 

 

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ..... The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

“You've been playing golf!"

 

 

 

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

 

 

 

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

“I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

 

 

 

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

 

 

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 

 

 

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

 

 

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language?? The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.  The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

 

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95”

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers : "

Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends.”

 

 

 

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!  He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

 

 

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.  As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her 'special' area.  He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.  The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she get up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"

The husband says, "No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then!!"?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

 

 

 

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.  Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.  Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.  As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open.

Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."  So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. 

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

 

 

 

Worst Breakup?  There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When >they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

 

 

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.  The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.  Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no "African-Americans" depicted at all.  They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

 

 

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!"cried the doctor

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

 

 

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Polacks and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job".

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Stash and Stanley, the Polish guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Stash, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Stanley and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Stash, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!

 

 

 

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems.  Every time I go to Bed, I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"

 

 

 

A Father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches it in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar with out saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney."

 

 

 

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know...''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''  She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, F..., Etc.''

 

 

 

LIONS

Two guys are chatting in a bar.  One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Crap," says his friend, "And I just joined the Elks."

 

 

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.  The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came  to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife  was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.  Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man h hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!  Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.  But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.  In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.  Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and  tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!  The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sa t back and thought a moment.  Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.  A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.  "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!  Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.  As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.  "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

 

 

 

A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.  Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.  Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, hillbillies, and desert rats, wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.   Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Wouldhe be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?  Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.  The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

1. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."  The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."  The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want the chil'run raised Southern Baptist." Once again, the Keeper agreed.

4. "And last of all," Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00

 

 

 

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.  The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.  The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"  The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

 

 

 

My wife and I are watching "Who wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.....

 

 

 

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.  His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.  "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, "says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."  And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.  The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.  They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.  Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.  Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.  "Now it's time to visit heaven."  So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.  The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

 

 

 

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member of the church, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.  Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home, leaving it there all night.

 

 

 

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.  With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”

 

 

 

A Couple were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.  "Sorry I'm running late had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L A. and didn't have time to get you a present.  Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!

I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.  All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones too!"

 

 

 

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.  "You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."  The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape."

 

 

 

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?  Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

 

 

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus so shut the hell up."

Have a great day!

 

 

 

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.  During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.  Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that  you "do not" sleep with Jennifer.  But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom 

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

 

 

Mexico Trip

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.  She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees and beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens.  Again, they all immediately fall to their knees and beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Louisville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody until you plug this thing!

 

 

 

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

 

 

 

NO TOILET PAPER

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room, so she said yes.  When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then the principal got mad and yelled, “Open your hands NOW!" 

So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

 

 

 

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.  Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.  The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you, or, Jack off."

"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

 

 

 

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' Ineed me some pertection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?

The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies, "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by therself.

 


 

Hell Explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.  Here is the professor's "Bonus Question":  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.     If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.     If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...  leaving only Heaven . . . thereby proving the existence of a divine being . . . which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

 

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

 

 

 

Subject: Priests don't lie

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.  The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

 

 

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine."

GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER - It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! Send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

 

 

 

A man lost one of his arms in an accident.  He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.  One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.  He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels.  He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.  He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.  There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.  He hurried down and caught the man with no arms.  He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.  The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

The man said, "I'm NOT happy; my butt itches!”

 

 

 

A blonde goes into a pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says Sex Frogs only $20. each

Comes with complete instructions. The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anyone is looking. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog he quietly says to her, just follow the instructions.  "The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified.

1.           Take a shower

2.           Splash on some nice perfume

3.           Slip into a fancy nightie

4.           Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and the frog will do what he is trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is quite disappointed and upset at this time.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says ----if you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.  So the blonde makes the phone call.  The man says I will be right over.  Within minutes the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See I have done everything according to the instructions.” The damn frog just sits there.

The man looking very concerned picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, “Look. I am only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!”

 

 

 

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of  the dealership.  Taking off down the road, he floored it and soon was  enjoying the wind blowing through his thin hair.

"Amazing!!"  he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.  Looking into his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from  him, no problem!"  thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110 and finally 120 mph.  Suddenly, he thought "What on earth am I doing?"  I'm too old for this nonsense, so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, today is Friday, now if you can give me a valid reason why you were speeding - one which I have never heard before - I'll let you go."

The man, looking very serious at the trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

"Have a good day, Sir - and drive careful", said the trooper.

 

 

 

Subject: ...but no dancing!.

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.  The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest, Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah  (good deed) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness,  a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing"

 

 

 

MEN ARE HAPPIER

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.  You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

 

 

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?  Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:



Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be
done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls

 

 

 

How do Hillbillies celebrate on Halloween?  They Pumpkin!

 

 

 

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. 

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below  the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff  neck...this is your grandma's idea."

 

 

 

What's your name?

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

 

 

 

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

 

 

Priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. He stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.  "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.  And from the sky comes a booming voice ......."Shit, I missed."

 

 

 

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog. I was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!  I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again -- although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. Last time I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.  I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.  Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

 

 

 

THE GOLDEN SCREW

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass".

 

 

 

 

Up there by Lake Woebegone in Minnesota, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero.  When Lena got off work, she made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She remembered Ole's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.  That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started following it.

As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of Ole's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The snow plow driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

 

 

 

Teen age sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

 

 

Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No ****?"

 

 

 

Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small ****.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes... That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

 

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.  The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.  The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy  The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

 

 

 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving North or South. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

 

 

Housework was a woman's job;  but one evening, Jenny arrived home  from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.  She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired."

 

 

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.  Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.  Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.  She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device.  A vibrator!  Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.  She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at  him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

 

 

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.  While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.  Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.  The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.  The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it!  This man has been very generous!

I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Hummer I bought for you,

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership,

and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.  He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

 

 

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is pre- menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his a$$ while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.  Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.  After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 

"Mary . .  Mary. ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.  I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex.  I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.  I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.  After supper, golf course again.  Then have sex until late at night.  The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

 

 

 

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

 

 

 

There was an older woman wandering around the supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssco!" Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."

The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, no, no!  I only call him that when we're in public," she said.

Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?"

"Lard ass," she replied.

 

 

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.  As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.  Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."  Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.  A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.  He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

 

 

 

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.  The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.  He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.  He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.  She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.  Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the  young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered,  (This is great)  "THE TEETH."

 

 

 

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says. "We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him.....In the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

 

 

 

Guido the Italian Lover

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I’m Norwegian.

 

 

 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver!